Saturday, April 3, 2010

The Audacity of being Fat.

I am what many societal standards consider fat. To be fat is to make a choice...sometimes. I don't really remember when I became fat, but I do think it was a few years before puberty. It was a steady thing. I only remember particular foods that I liked such as pizza, hot wings, cheeses of all kinds, ice cream, cheetos. I liked fruits too and healthy things, I pretty much liked all foods in general.

During the 9th grade I went into a heavy diet and exercise routine consisting of at least 30 minutes of exercise every day except the weekends, only sandwiches and salads during the week, and anything I wanted to eat on the weekends. I lost weight somewhat quickly, and when I went to the doctor they had asked if I was taking diet pills, I truthfully said no.

Every time I go to the doctor I am told in that voice that I "should really lose weight". I probably should for numerous health reasons. I am around 30 pounds overweight and when I look in the mirror I don't feel that fat. I don't feel thin, but I don't feel like a disgusting whale either. I only feel normal, what I have been for so many years.

My weight continues to yo-yo now that I am in college. The fact that I am taking low-dosage birth control for my horrendous menstrual cylce does not help either. One change that has struck me since taking this pill is that I don't have the appetite that I used to have. (Yes, I liked to eat. Fat people do like to eat, but usually just as much as any skinny person does, except with the fat person it is more obvious. ;) ) How could this come to be? I'm not so sure, but I do plan on going back to my ob/gyn in the future to discuss the effects of this pill.

I'd like to talk about a recent fat woman in Hollywood who has dramatically changed her weight. She is a beautiful woman and amazing vocalist named Jennifer Hudson, star of Dreamgirls and a popular American Idol contestant. She lost a lot of weight and I will say she does look beautiful, but I am disappointed. You see, I guess this is a selfish wish of mine, but I had hoped she would remain her size to show she was a beautiful woman with confidence that did not fit into Hollywood's standard of beauty. I have this theory that the more big women there are in Hollywood the more society will just accept this standard. My theory probably holds many flaws, but that is my hope.

"It is disgusting to be fat. How can we live with ourselves? We should really go on a diet. It is unhealthy to be fat. We will surely die."

Overall, I'm pretty pleased with the way that I am. And after all this talk about my fat self, I have decided to start losing weight for 2 reasons: 1) The health difficulties that my mother and father have had for the past few years. My mother has high blood pressure (not always from diet, but from stress so it does not have to be directly related to food, but salty foods does not help) and my father has diabetes, which I know for a fact is because of the way he eats and his weight. 2) Since I have started on the Pill, I have felt so much water weight and I've felt full a lot quicker, and I cannot eat as much as I used to. I think I have to start getting used to the idea of becoming healthier, which is going to mean eating better for nutritious and health related reasons.

All my talk about accepting fat and I decide to lose weight...sounds a bit hypocritical, huh? I think the important thing about weight is that you are comfortable, and I am comfortable, but I can't be comfortable with the fact that I think I can keep eating the way I am and think that I will not be unhealthy later on in life. I feel like I can be who I want and still promote acceptance and tolerance of something that is considered to be shameful. To be fat is to be something extra, and I don't see why it should matter, it is physical effect of eating, sometimes just as much as any thin or normal weight person does. Why is this so bad?

I have issues with the BMI as well, but that's for another post...


  1. Hey there, I spied you over at Womanist Musings and that ultra amusing(ly dreadful) comments section at Jezebel. I wanted to say hi! I read this post and I felt like you managed to get in my brain and steal my exact thoughts, haha. Weight is something I've struggled with forever and trying to balance liking myself & being healthy versus wishing I were everything I'm not/probably not going to be. Plus all the weird stigma against being OHNOESFAT.

    So...yeah I'm terrible at writing concise, short comments, but great entry.

  2. Thanks for commenting I appreciate it. I feel like people have this mentality that it is a sin to be fat, when there are so many factors to becoming "fat". People assume that fat people like food a little too much, which may be true, but it ignores other factors in my opinion.

    I am planning on posting about the "female blogosphere" even that happened last weekend between Jezebel and Renee. I think I have other issues with the catastrophe I'd like to address, mainly just being my own thoughts.