The privileges of the White Mexican

Please note: This isn't a post asking for empathy on my white skin, nor is it a diss on my culture or any minority culture, it's simply an examination of privilege and skin color in the Latino community. My intent is to bring up conversation and questions, and provide analysis from my OWN personal experiences. Originally, this post contained other analysis, but I decided to edit them at the last minute as I did not want to assume or pretend that I knew of experiences of other POC.

I have never been "tan" or "dark". The only thing dark about me are the hairs on my body. I'm as white as any White person and as white as any Mexican woman in a novela (soap opera).

Although my parents were not fortunate enough to experience the privileges of middle class, I was a part of it. I had every intention of going to college and doing better for myself since I understood that I was not by any means poor. I believe that my middle class and skin tone privileges have, in some ways, shaped my outlook in life. While I don't consider myself to be better than anyone, I've come to understand how my privileges have shaped me.

I had White friends, Mexican friends, Black friends but the identity I had was so muddled up. I knew what I was, but was always made to be less than what I felt by others who didn't understand me. I couldn't really identify as Mexican because I didn't speak much Spanish and I couldn't be just American because I had an obligation to identify with my culture. Let's add the color of my skin to the fact that being Mexican American in itself is a demanding job.

Junior high was a time where a lot of my peers started to examine their ethnicity, and I wasn't exempt from questioning how Mexican I was and how Mexican I looked. At that time I had moved to another school district and I found myself hanging out with the Black girls who all thought I was White or Italian (I guess being Italian is a lot better than being just "White", it adds flare). I had to constantly defend my Mexicanness to other people, but I didn't expect to have to defend myself against my "own people".

When I mentioned to one Mexican boy in my 8th grade class that I was Mexican he told me "You're not Mexican you're lying". When I mentioned the same thing to a friend in my dance class in high school who happens to be a very tan Mexican that I am, indeed, Mexican American, she asked me "How are you Mexican when you're so white?". Apparently nobody I have mentioned has been to Mexico City or has seen a novela where the women are as white as I am and their hair is dark as can be. I'm an anomaly to White Americans and an anomaly to Mexicans and Mexican Americans.

Mexicanness is equated with being dark in the media, as being less than. This can be seen in old movies and even cartoons such as Speedy Gonzalez. All the little mice are brown and live up to all of the stereotypes that have ever been formed about Mexicans. What has happened when a Latina has tried to break into Hollywood in the 30s 40s and 50s? All of the ladies are portrayed as White women, hardly ever as Latinas. If they were portraying Latinas, they were cooking and cleaning and probably did not play a big part. Let's not forget that you must have been just as fair skinned as a regular White woman to get a shot in Hollywood.

I don't know if I would ever be stopped in my vehicle or ostracized in an upscale place dominated by White people who I look similar too. There are times where I have been in situations where I'm quite aware that I am the only Mexican, but I'm rarely stared at because I blend in at first notice. I believe the only situations where I am stared at is when I'm the only brunette and it's obvious that I'm just a bit different. Or you know, when your mom is the only one speaking Spanish...

The disadvantages for being too white for your people can be hurtful. Sometimes I don't feel brown enough when I'm in a large group of people who are Latino and some of them get that I am "one of them" and others question me or poke fun at me. I've never felt the need to walk in a room where so many people were obviously Latino and shout "Ok fellow Latinos, I'm just like you, I'm just not brown...". I am proud of being what I am, but there are a lot of other things I'd rather focus on besides having to prove how Chicana I am.

This has always bothered me, and since I have become a person who is trying very hard to become educated about social justice, I recognized my own privileges as someone who may not directly be affected by racism and classism as another Latino will. I have internal conflicts with my identity, and my skin color is one of the biggest issues for me. Mexicanos are particularly proud of their Brown blood, and though I have some in me, it's not obvious. I'm not the only Latino person to face conflicts, but Black Latinos and White Latinos don't exist to people from the outside, and White Latinos have to deal with the privilege they will receive from Whites and the sometimes confusing stares from people of their nationality.

It's seemingly ignorant for me to complain about how I feel like an oddball for not being Brown enough to be considered a "real Mexican". People who are darker than I am, people in my own family, have to deal with misconceptions of any Brown person.

I have the privilege of being able to blend in, but what about my ability to "prove" myself to the darker-skinned members of the Latino community? I have been called guera (white girl) by my extended family for a long time, only to be replaced by my blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white-skinned baby sister. I feel just as Mexican as any other person, except my skin color wants to contradict this otherwise.

It's not just the way I look, but my demeanor and need for knowledge is apparently too White. I have received comments about not only looking like a White person but acting like one as well. If I were to have worn big hoop earrings, with dyed hair or blonde highlights, and spoke in a certain stereotypical way, I guess I would have been identified as Mexican a lot easier than staying the way I've always been. I wanted to be those girls because they were the cool Mexican girls who knew how to dress, and I was just a shy and quiet white person in the background.

I sometimes hear a Black woman around my age comment about so and so "acting White" and then I'll hear a Mexican woman comment on somebody acting like a White girl or not being Mexican enough. When is identifying as a certain ethnicity or nationality enough to be an acceptable member of your group?

It's not enough for a Mexicana like me who is not Brown to learn about her culture's history and traditions; the only thing that seems good enough for some people of La Raza is to get a tan and embody what Mexicans are supposed to be. At 20 years old, I'm almost overdue for a kid according to older generations...It isn't enough that I am going to college and planning on getting a PhD and living my own dream I set out for myself. Going to school, making up my own life plan, and not being tan will always make me questionable and never a true Brown woman. I just want to do my own thing, be proud of where I came from and who I am, and not have to prove anything.

*This post says May 18th because it was originally written at that date, I finished today, June 20th because I had edited throughout the time period.

My 20th Birthday...Looking back on the last decade of my life... How have I matured?

On Tuesday I turned 20 and I don't really feel any differently than what I did a few weeks ago or even last year. I still feel somewhat like the lost 15-year-old who had her Quinceanera and was torn apart by the abusive online boyfriend that I had. I'm not fully comprehending why I feel like this; I have grown a lot and I don't think I give myself enough credit, but I feel like I should FEEL more grown and I don't.

10 years ago around this time was THE last year when I knew my parents were happy. It's a funny thing when you're a child and know deep down your parents' relationship is not the perfect one that it's supposed to be. Ever since my father cheated and left, I blamed him for a lot of things, as I had a right to do... I became depressed as a result of him leaving, my mom suffered emotionally, and he left us financially in ruins. I have tried to be the same daughter to my father since then, but I've never felt the same and I never felt the same effort from him. There have been a lot of changes since he left, and I cannot honestly say my relationship with my dad has gotten any better. Lately things have gotten worse because he yelled at me and cussed me out the same way he used to cuss out my mother when they were together...How long does it take to fully recover from the damage certain men in your life do to you? How much do we really grow from a 10-year-old to a 2o-year-old or even jumping to 40?

I've been told that I'm mature for my age since I was small, but I'm not sure how mature I feel overall as a human being who has been through some experiences but maybe not enough. What is this weird need of mine to FEEL older and wiser? I have another 10 years to keep learning and feeling new things to reach my "self-actualization"... if such a thing exists for a 30 year old.

When I first discovered feminism, I made the mistake of taking a failing relationship at that time and attributing all of my failed relationships to men being horrible beings. It makes me sad that I felt that way and manipulated the concept of feminism to mean hating men. Fortunately, I quickly knew that "hating" the historically privileged sex was just as bad as sexism to my gender. Now I use feminism as an analysis of relationships and situations that come about, and sometimes I am not too sure if it has led me to label each and every thing that I see as either sexist or not sexist...I guess this is the territory given to someone who has changed ideologies and beliefs almost overnight.

I am wondering how many people felt different when they turned a whole two decades old. For some reason I consider it a lot of years, regardless of how many 30+ people tell me I'm still a baby and they wish they could go back to being my age. What's so good about being 20 though? You're no longer technically a teenager but you're not really old enough to be taken seriously yet. People tend to overestimate or underestimate someone because of their age. I think I've met plenty of older adults who are just as immature as any people around my age are...but regardless they are always "wiser"...

I'm glad I have this outlet to write what I think. This wasn't really a post about any set topic and it wasn't supposed to have a good structure. I would consider this a random blurb of thoughts I've been having since my mom and dad asked me how it felt to be 20, and I am not sure and I think I feel a bit embarrassed to feel this way about myself. Even though 21 is next, I don't think I'm gonna feel special about that either even though I will be even more "legal" then when I turned 18, which was no special day to me just like Tuesday wasn't...

Don't get me wrong, I am glad to be a bit older and I enjoyed my day on Tuesday. It was the best birthday since probably my 16th or 15th...How did you feel, or how are you going to feel, when you turn 20, 30, 40 etc? Hmm...

Why are TV sitcom daddies so dumb and silly? And why are their wives shrewds?

One thing that television and commercials never seem to fail on recycling over and over and OVER again is this new joke that daddies are silly dumb things that their wives need to take care of. I can name a few examples that are prime in sitcoms, not only in those that have a predominately white cast, but those shows that have been on that include minorities.

1. The George Lopez Show- I must admit, I LOVE watching this show. This was one of the only shows on television that had a normal Mexican/Cuban American family (ok, as far as normal goes)... The problem that I have had with George Lopez, although funny he may be, is that he has to be the one to get caught on lies and sexist jokes and his "WAPA!"s. Whenever he gets in trouble, Angie is there to tell him how wrong and how horrible he has been. Angie (played by Constance Marie) is constantly portrayed as annoying housewife who means well, but usually needs to butt out of people's business. The way that George treats Carmen as opposed to his son Max is also troubling...

I wont go into detail on the others because I don't watch them as often but here is a list of the few I noticed...

2. King of Queens- The characters go through various comical situations that sometimes include Carrie's (the wife) father, their friends, and neighbors. They both typically do "stupid" things from my viewing of the show, but it is Doug's moronic actions that are usually exemplified. Also, let's not forget the "hot wife, fat husband" dynamic going on here...

3. Everybody Loves Raymond- Ray and Debra and their children live across the street from Raymond's parents (his brother comes over a lot too, although I can't remember if he lives with his parents), who drive Raymond and Debra absolutely insane. It is obvious that Debra is the sane, dependable wife who is also a good mother. Raymond's mother is constantly picking on Debra's cooking and housecleaning regimen. Raymond is seen as a good guy who sometimes says and does stupid things, like the dumb and silly husband and daddy he is!...

4. Yes, Dear- Haven't seen too much of this show... Seems a bit like King of Queens...

5. Family Guy- Lois and Peter live with their three children Meg, Chris, and Stewie with their dog (Peter's best friend) Brian. It has been implied that Peter is mentally retarded many times, and I believe has been stated in a recent episode... One problematic element that is supposed to be amusing is Stewie's desire to kill his mother...

6. The Simpsons- This has a lot of the same elements as Family Guy...

Is it too much to ask for to have characters that are a little bit more complex than the above mentioned. I'm sure there are many more series that portray men and women in this way, which I think is unfair. Men are not "stupid" and women aren't "nice and responsible wives and mothers". People are a lot more complex than that in real life. I understand that these shows are sitcoms, and yes, I'm sure it would take a bit more effort to write a 30 minute show to have more complex and interesting characters, but I think it can be done...

I won't lie though, I watch a lot of these shows on a regular basis. It's a bit hard to watch these shows and not go "Why are the men always saying stupid things? And why are the women the smart passive responsible ones. How sexist" I think producers of shows need to give men and women a bit more credit....