The privileges of the White Mexican

Please note: This isn't a post asking for empathy on my white skin, nor is it a diss on my culture or any minority culture, it's simply an examination of privilege and skin color in the Latino community. My intent is to bring up conversation and questions, and provide analysis from my OWN personal experiences. Originally, this post contained other analysis, but I decided to edit them at the last minute as I did not want to assume or pretend that I knew of experiences of other POC.

I have never been "tan" or "dark". The only thing dark about me are the hairs on my body. I'm as white as any White person and as white as any Mexican woman in a novela (soap opera).

Although my parents were not fortunate enough to experience the privileges of middle class, I was a part of it. I had every intention of going to college and doing better for myself since I understood that I was not by any means poor. I believe that my middle class and skin tone privileges have, in some ways, shaped my outlook in life. While I don't consider myself to be better than anyone, I've come to understand how my privileges have shaped me.

I had White friends, Mexican friends, Black friends but the identity I had was so muddled up. I knew what I was, but was always made to be less than what I felt by others who didn't understand me. I couldn't really identify as Mexican because I didn't speak much Spanish and I couldn't be just American because I had an obligation to identify with my culture. Let's add the color of my skin to the fact that being Mexican American in itself is a demanding job.

Junior high was a time where a lot of my peers started to examine their ethnicity, and I wasn't exempt from questioning how Mexican I was and how Mexican I looked. At that time I had moved to another school district and I found myself hanging out with the Black girls who all thought I was White or Italian (I guess being Italian is a lot better than being just "White", it adds flare). I had to constantly defend my Mexicanness to other people, but I didn't expect to have to defend myself against my "own people".

When I mentioned to one Mexican boy in my 8th grade class that I was Mexican he told me "You're not Mexican you're lying". When I mentioned the same thing to a friend in my dance class in high school who happens to be a very tan Mexican that I am, indeed, Mexican American, she asked me "How are you Mexican when you're so white?". Apparently nobody I have mentioned has been to Mexico City or has seen a novela where the women are as white as I am and their hair is dark as can be. I'm an anomaly to White Americans and an anomaly to Mexicans and Mexican Americans.

Mexicanness is equated with being dark in the media, as being less than. This can be seen in old movies and even cartoons such as Speedy Gonzalez. All the little mice are brown and live up to all of the stereotypes that have ever been formed about Mexicans. What has happened when a Latina has tried to break into Hollywood in the 30s 40s and 50s? All of the ladies are portrayed as White women, hardly ever as Latinas. If they were portraying Latinas, they were cooking and cleaning and probably did not play a big part. Let's not forget that you must have been just as fair skinned as a regular White woman to get a shot in Hollywood.

I don't know if I would ever be stopped in my vehicle or ostracized in an upscale place dominated by White people who I look similar too. There are times where I have been in situations where I'm quite aware that I am the only Mexican, but I'm rarely stared at because I blend in at first notice. I believe the only situations where I am stared at is when I'm the only brunette and it's obvious that I'm just a bit different. Or you know, when your mom is the only one speaking Spanish...

The disadvantages for being too white for your people can be hurtful. Sometimes I don't feel brown enough when I'm in a large group of people who are Latino and some of them get that I am "one of them" and others question me or poke fun at me. I've never felt the need to walk in a room where so many people were obviously Latino and shout "Ok fellow Latinos, I'm just like you, I'm just not brown...". I am proud of being what I am, but there are a lot of other things I'd rather focus on besides having to prove how Chicana I am.

This has always bothered me, and since I have become a person who is trying very hard to become educated about social justice, I recognized my own privileges as someone who may not directly be affected by racism and classism as another Latino will. I have internal conflicts with my identity, and my skin color is one of the biggest issues for me. Mexicanos are particularly proud of their Brown blood, and though I have some in me, it's not obvious. I'm not the only Latino person to face conflicts, but Black Latinos and White Latinos don't exist to people from the outside, and White Latinos have to deal with the privilege they will receive from Whites and the sometimes confusing stares from people of their nationality.

It's seemingly ignorant for me to complain about how I feel like an oddball for not being Brown enough to be considered a "real Mexican". People who are darker than I am, people in my own family, have to deal with misconceptions of any Brown person.

I have the privilege of being able to blend in, but what about my ability to "prove" myself to the darker-skinned members of the Latino community? I have been called guera (white girl) by my extended family for a long time, only to be replaced by my blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white-skinned baby sister. I feel just as Mexican as any other person, except my skin color wants to contradict this otherwise.

It's not just the way I look, but my demeanor and need for knowledge is apparently too White. I have received comments about not only looking like a White person but acting like one as well. If I were to have worn big hoop earrings, with dyed hair or blonde highlights, and spoke in a certain stereotypical way, I guess I would have been identified as Mexican a lot easier than staying the way I've always been. I wanted to be those girls because they were the cool Mexican girls who knew how to dress, and I was just a shy and quiet white person in the background.

I sometimes hear a Black woman around my age comment about so and so "acting White" and then I'll hear a Mexican woman comment on somebody acting like a White girl or not being Mexican enough. When is identifying as a certain ethnicity or nationality enough to be an acceptable member of your group?

It's not enough for a Mexicana like me who is not Brown to learn about her culture's history and traditions; the only thing that seems good enough for some people of La Raza is to get a tan and embody what Mexicans are supposed to be. At 20 years old, I'm almost overdue for a kid according to older generations...It isn't enough that I am going to college and planning on getting a PhD and living my own dream I set out for myself. Going to school, making up my own life plan, and not being tan will always make me questionable and never a true Brown woman. I just want to do my own thing, be proud of where I came from and who I am, and not have to prove anything.

*This post says May 18th because it was originally written at that date, I finished today, June 20th because I had edited throughout the time period.

The Audacity of being Fat.

I am what many societal standards consider fat. To be fat is to make a choice...sometimes. I don't really remember when I became fat, but I do think it was a few years before puberty. It was a steady thing. I only remember particular foods that I liked such as pizza, hot wings, cheeses of all kinds, ice cream, cheetos. I liked fruits too and healthy things, I pretty much liked all foods in general.

During the 9th grade I went into a heavy diet and exercise routine consisting of at least 30 minutes of exercise every day except the weekends, only sandwiches and salads during the week, and anything I wanted to eat on the weekends. I lost weight somewhat quickly, and when I went to the doctor they had asked if I was taking diet pills, I truthfully said no.

Every time I go to the doctor I am told in that voice that I "should really lose weight". I probably should for numerous health reasons. I am around 30 pounds overweight and when I look in the mirror I don't feel that fat. I don't feel thin, but I don't feel like a disgusting whale either. I only feel normal, what I have been for so many years.

My weight continues to yo-yo now that I am in college. The fact that I am taking low-dosage birth control for my horrendous menstrual cylce does not help either. One change that has struck me since taking this pill is that I don't have the appetite that I used to have. (Yes, I liked to eat. Fat people do like to eat, but usually just as much as any skinny person does, except with the fat person it is more obvious. ;) ) How could this come to be? I'm not so sure, but I do plan on going back to my ob/gyn in the future to discuss the effects of this pill.

I'd like to talk about a recent fat woman in Hollywood who has dramatically changed her weight. She is a beautiful woman and amazing vocalist named Jennifer Hudson, star of Dreamgirls and a popular American Idol contestant. She lost a lot of weight and I will say she does look beautiful, but I am disappointed. You see, I guess this is a selfish wish of mine, but I had hoped she would remain her size to show she was a beautiful woman with confidence that did not fit into Hollywood's standard of beauty. I have this theory that the more big women there are in Hollywood the more society will just accept this standard. My theory probably holds many flaws, but that is my hope.

"It is disgusting to be fat. How can we live with ourselves? We should really go on a diet. It is unhealthy to be fat. We will surely die."

Overall, I'm pretty pleased with the way that I am. And after all this talk about my fat self, I have decided to start losing weight for 2 reasons: 1) The health difficulties that my mother and father have had for the past few years. My mother has high blood pressure (not always from diet, but from stress so it does not have to be directly related to food, but salty foods does not help) and my father has diabetes, which I know for a fact is because of the way he eats and his weight. 2) Since I have started on the Pill, I have felt so much water weight and I've felt full a lot quicker, and I cannot eat as much as I used to. I think I have to start getting used to the idea of becoming healthier, which is going to mean eating better for nutritious and health related reasons.

All my talk about accepting fat and I decide to lose weight...sounds a bit hypocritical, huh? I think the important thing about weight is that you are comfortable, and I am comfortable, but I can't be comfortable with the fact that I think I can keep eating the way I am and think that I will not be unhealthy later on in life. I feel like I can be who I want and still promote acceptance and tolerance of something that is considered to be shameful. To be fat is to be something extra, and I don't see why it should matter, it is physical effect of eating, sometimes just as much as any thin or normal weight person does. Why is this so bad?

I have issues with the BMI as well, but that's for another post...