On Tuesday I turned 20 and I don't really feel any differently than what I did a few weeks ago or even last year. I still feel somewhat like the lost 15-year-old who had her Quinceanera and was torn apart by the abusive online boyfriend that I had. I'm not fully comprehending why I feel like this; I have grown a lot and I don't think I give myself enough credit, but I feel like I should FEEL more grown and I don't.
10 years ago around this time was THE last year when I knew my parents were happy. It's a funny thing when you're a child and know deep down your parents' relationship is not the perfect one that it's supposed to be. Ever since my father cheated and left, I blamed him for a lot of things, as I had a right to do... I became depressed as a result of him leaving, my mom suffered emotionally, and he left us financially in ruins. I have tried to be the same daughter to my father since then, but I've never felt the same and I never felt the same effort from him. There have been a lot of changes since he left, and I cannot honestly say my relationship with my dad has gotten any better. Lately things have gotten worse because he yelled at me and cussed me out the same way he used to cuss out my mother when they were together...How long does it take to fully recover from the damage certain men in your life do to you? How much do we really grow from a 10-year-old to a 2o-year-old or even jumping to 40?
I've been told that I'm mature for my age since I was small, but I'm not sure how mature I feel overall as a human being who has been through some experiences but maybe not enough. What is this weird need of mine to FEEL older and wiser? I have another 10 years to keep learning and feeling new things to reach my "self-actualization"... if such a thing exists for a 30 year old.
When I first discovered feminism, I made the mistake of taking a failing relationship at that time and attributing all of my failed relationships to men being horrible beings. It makes me sad that I felt that way and manipulated the concept of feminism to mean hating men. Fortunately, I quickly knew that "hating" the historically privileged sex was just as bad as sexism to my gender. Now I use feminism as an analysis of relationships and situations that come about, and sometimes I am not too sure if it has led me to label each and every thing that I see as either sexist or not sexist...I guess this is the territory given to someone who has changed ideologies and beliefs almost overnight.
I am wondering how many people felt different when they turned a whole two decades old. For some reason I consider it a lot of years, regardless of how many 30+ people tell me I'm still a baby and they wish they could go back to being my age. What's so good about being 20 though? You're no longer technically a teenager but you're not really old enough to be taken seriously yet. People tend to overestimate or underestimate someone because of their age. I think I've met plenty of older adults who are just as immature as any people around my age are...but regardless they are always "wiser"...
I'm glad I have this outlet to write what I think. This wasn't really a post about any set topic and it wasn't supposed to have a good structure. I would consider this a random blurb of thoughts I've been having since my mom and dad asked me how it felt to be 20, and I am not sure and I think I feel a bit embarrassed to feel this way about myself. Even though 21 is next, I don't think I'm gonna feel special about that either even though I will be even more "legal" then when I turned 18, which was no special day to me just like Tuesday wasn't...
Don't get me wrong, I am glad to be a bit older and I enjoyed my day on Tuesday. It was the best birthday since probably my 16th or 15th...How did you feel, or how are you going to feel, when you turn 20, 30, 40 etc? Hmm...
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